This was first published in 1982 in InfoWorld and is attributed to John Unger Zussman and later published in the November 2, 1984 edition of the University of Waterloo’s mathNEWS.
I was given a photostat copy in the mid 80s and used it in a computer
magazine I was editing at the time. It has since become quite widespread
on the internet under the title “Lesser known computer languages”,
probably because most computer guys cannot spell gazetteer. Read and
enjoy…
SIMPLE
‘Simple’ is an acronym for Sheer Idiot’s Programming Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at Hanover College
for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to
‘begin’, ‘end’, and ’stop’. No matter how you arrange the statements,
you can’t make a syntax error.
Programs
written in Simple do nothing useful. They thus achieve the results of
programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating
process of testing and debugging.
SLOBOL
Slobol
is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although
many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
Slobol compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee.
Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at
their terminals while waiting for a Slobol program to compile.
VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern California’s San Fernando Valley,
Valgol is enjoying a dramatic surge in popularity across the industry.
Valgol commands include ‘really’, ‘like’, ‘well’, and ‘y*know’.
Variables are assigned with the ‘= like’ and ‘= totally’ operators.
Other operators include the California Booleans, ‘fersure’ and ‘noway’.
Repetitions of code are handled in ‘for/sure’ loops. Here is a sample
Valgol program:
like y*know (I mean) start
if pizza = like bitchen and
b = like tubular and
c = like grodyax
then
for I = like 1 to oh maybe 100
do wah - (ditty)
barf(1 ) = totally gross (out)
sure
like bag this problem
really
like totally (y*know)
if pizza = like bitchen and
b = like tubular and
c = like grodyax
then
for I = like 1 to oh maybe 100
do wah - (ditty)
barf(1 ) = totally gross (out)
sure
like bag this problem
really
like totally (y*know)
Valgol
is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when
the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: gag me with a spoon
LITHP
This
otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an
’s’ in the character set. Programmers must substitute ‘th’. Lithp is
said to be useful in proceththing lithtth.
LAIDBACK
Historically, Valgol is a derivative of Laidback, which was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T’ai Chi, Mellowness, and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there
for long, since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean
curd and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of Laidback because of its
reputation as a gentle and non-threatening language. For example,
Laidback responded to syntax errors with the message:
Sorry, man, I can’t deal behind that.
C-
This
language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a project in a university graduate programming class. C- is best described as a ‘low-level’ programming language. In general, the language requires more C- statements than machine code instructions to execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.
SARTRE
Named
after the late existential philosopher, Sartre is an extremely
unstructured language. Statements in Sartre have no purpose; they just
are. Thus, Sartre programs are left to define their own functions.
Sartre programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no fun at
parties.
DOGO
Developed
at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, Dogo heralds a
new era of computer-literate pets. Dogo commands include ’sit’, ’stay’,
‘heel’, and ‘roll over’. An innovative feature of Dogo is ‘puppy
graphics’, a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves deposits as
he travels across the screen.
Lingua Programmatica
As
a programmer who has frequently been frustrated by the lack of
flexibility of conventional high-level programming languages, I am
pleased to report the recent completion of a new language that promises
to leave Pascal and the others stumbling in its tailwind. The new
language is called LATIN (not to be confused with the natural language,
Latin, with which it is, however, identical).
LATIN
offers such conveniences as Roman numeral mode (for those who are tired
of trying to deal with clumsy Arabic numbers), output to marble, and a
sophisticated user interface that features not just icons but also
omens. The package includes complete error detection and punishment.
Program execution is rapid; however, programmer execution is painfully
slow. The carefully written documentation is hand-copied on papyrus
scrolls by Egyptian slaves, and scans nicely. The language is provided
on a sturdy double-sided discus, designed for years of troublefree use.
Availability
of LATIN is something of a problem at present, as the compiler is
written not in assembler but in an intermediate-level language called
GREEK (G-Code), which has yet to be implemented on any microcomputer.
And this one by Karl Hildon . . .
NORTH
NORTH
programs can only execute efficiently where snow falls at least 5
months of the year. This is because many NORTH programmers become sick
and fed up with their environment and move on to SOUTH. Almost all NORTH
programs are totally useless in the SOUTH environment.
NORTH
programs are immediately recognizable by the “, eh ” suffix which seems
to be necessary after every line. Although there are other slight
differences, most NORTH programs can be translated to SOUTH by replacing
the “, eh ” suffix with “, uh “.
Debugging
NORTH programs is no probs. The “Gimme a break” command can be inserted
to stop programs from taking off with goofs, and after an error, the
“Check it out” command shows the offending botches.
The following is a demo program that comes with the NORTH interpreter:
10 hosers = 1, eh
20 buzz hoser, “what’s happenin’ man?”, eh
30 far out, eh: hosers = hosers + 1, eh
40 it hosers < beer/6 then 20, eh
50 if dough = 0 then cruise, eh: goto 50, eh
60 if donuts = 0 then cruise, eh
70 if beer < 24 then cruise, eh: beer = beer+24, eh
80 killer, eh
90 on stereo goto heavy metal, heavy metal, eh
100 while beer > 0, eh
110 beer = beer - hosers, eh
120 endwhile, eh
130 if munchies then do food, eh
140 if burnt out then crash, eh: else 70, eh
20 buzz hoser, “what’s happenin’ man?”, eh
30 far out, eh: hosers = hosers + 1, eh
40 it hosers < beer/6 then 20, eh
50 if dough = 0 then cruise, eh: goto 50, eh
60 if donuts = 0 then cruise, eh
70 if beer < 24 then cruise, eh: beer = beer+24, eh
80 killer, eh
90 on stereo goto heavy metal, heavy metal, eh
100 while beer > 0, eh
110 beer = beer - hosers, eh
120 endwhile, eh
130 if munchies then do food, eh
140 if burnt out then crash, eh: else 70, eh
Named after the famous French philosopher and
mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial
intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago
Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane
Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as “Just as great
as dis [sic] city of ours.”
The center is very pleased with progress to date.
They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However,
sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to
think it ceases to exist.
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which
the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE,
SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER,
MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS,
CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.
